Sitting in my office late one evening, meaning like tonight, watching an old Netflix movie. As it ended I had the revelation of WHY I WAS BORN..... I have always wondered, which my mentor tells me not to do as she believes strongly that means I don't have enough faith in God. I say hogwash. Of course I do, its just that I believe in more. God gives us MORE. I don't hide behind God. Humm maybe I should.
I personally have had a football field life. In all honesty I have learned the common skills of receiving which include passing, tackling, evasion of tackles, catching and kicking all sort of bullshit out of my huddle. I could pull out a few positives and I do because I am the great pretender. I could and do listen to motivational speakers to pull myself out of the quicksand I have feared and imagined since childhood. But the truth is .....my life has been a steady stream of bad plays. All sort of matters I don't fancy. I could explain it by saying: I have a life I watch happen while wondering wtf? Yes wtf? My physician sent me to a counselor. The first appointment of ONE HOUR, I was told I deserve to say that f bomb word. She also said they had no one available except a student to work with me. I laughed. The poor student. How dare she do that to basically a child. I left the building.
I am a person born to love. I am a nurturer, caretaker, lover of creativity, rhyme, and much fancy. Glitz, fun, colored lites, jokes, singing and so on. A person who has been hit with the baseball, crushed by the football quarterbacks, smashed by the tennis racket, hit with the hockey puc, thrown by the horse, run over by the truck, and last but certainly not least, hit with a family shotgun, and so on.
What was my revelation before continuing my rant of a rough life.....? Wha Wha.
It is simply I was born for a reason.
Maybe it was the son who aspires to be a famous actor.
Maybe it was the son whose Dutch wife wishes seclusion from everyone and changed their names so no one can find them. And who sent me a funeral card stating my son was dead. I still do not know for sure.
Or maybe the son who thought I overstepped my boundaries. Don't all Grandma's? At least once!
Or maybe the Granddaughter who cant publicly acknowledge me for fear her step dad might find out he paid for the wrong kid all his life. Add I do not get to be a part of her son's, my GGrandson's life due to that fact also.
Or maybe it's the step Granddaughter who believes she is a wounded soul and throws fits at every family gathering to the point there will no longer be any.
Maybe it is the son who is imprisoned who may change the life of another inmate .......
Maybe it is the estranged daughter whose daughter may be President someday or better yet a Senator....or even better yet, happy and uncursed.
Maybe its merely the kids I fostered in 1990's....
Maybe its my mummie dearest who after my father died decided she needed a new whipping boy. Don't worry, I got away from that quarterback real fast.
Like it or not, I get to live out a life so the big picture puzzle can be completed.. Yeah for me. Is that sounding like a martyr? Nawh.
It is just fact.
Life is an intricate web, like semen and birth and the human body and brain and souls and spirits of animals and humans alike. It is what you DO NOT SEE. It is physics. It is an equation that is far beyond my earthly understanding.
Therefore if I have to endure the body going thru things I'd rather not deal with and or the mind having to go thru all those quarterbacks and shotgun blasts for what must be a darn good reason. I say BY GOD when I pass this world I better get to know what it was.
YET....now having this revelation, I might be able to endure all of it in a better frame of mind....
I will be able to draw on the positives knowing the negatives exist no matter what..
I can chose to live on the positive side even tho the negatives are out to kill my spirit and soul...
There is one or more people I was born, to birth, that had to be. I am a part of what had to be.
In the big picture.
I get it now. Thanks Charles ......