Monday, June 3, 2013

Poopin' in the Wind............by Diane Ogden

I found myself, no my brain, to be utterly scattered one day last week.
 Well maybe three days for sure.
I was in the process of purchasing my new ride after many many years of no car payments.  I am a person who likes things in order.  Who makes LISTS.  Who has a regular schedule that if it gets off too much the brain gets scattered like say Humpty Dumpty's donkey. (ass when he fell) And that is exactly what happened to me one lovely damp day last week.
 I followed my morning routine to the T!  Showered, brushed teeth, made coffee, fed the herd, got the laundry out of the dryer, walked the dog, cleaned the litter boxes (2), put some makeup on, ate some food, made my lunch!  Looked around the apt. grabbed my lunch and glasses and keys and the bag I used to clean the litter and walked down the stairs to the old Buick where I sat the bag of litter on my trunk while I put the other items in my car. Got into my car  and drove away from the complex onto the frontage road and then onto a secondary hiway. I had driven about two miles down the hiway when I noticed this car speeding up in the lane to my right. I look over and freak the freak out!  The woman driver is so close to me I imagine for real this woman is going to collide with my car all the while one of her arms is outside its front drivers seat flailing all over the place and she is screaming.  O M G!  What the H can be going on?  I have to think which is very difficult at his moment.  I am thinking about HOW TO NOT OPEN the passenger side window because it may never go back up and I am in need of selling said old Buick.  But there she is bigger than life screaming and flailing and driving entirely too close.  She is trying to tell me something and pointing. Considering crazy lady is over the top.   I bit.  I hit the power button and down came the broken window. She is pointing to the back of my car.  Mind you we are trucking at 40-45 mph!!  No chit Charlie.  Now I am thinking I am on fire.  My car is on fire. 
Oh Lord it might blow up cause the gas tank is back there where she is pointing.  Then for some reason my brain became coherent and it heard the words, "There is a sack on your trunk!"  And that is when I realized there was three or four days of poop from three cats that could at any moment implode, explode, fly backwards and hit me and the inside of my car, or ........surely there were no convertibles in the area of the flying poop explosion.  There was no where to pull over!
I had set the HUGE bag of litter on the trunk while I did something else God only knows because I cant remember what it was.  Got into my car.......headed out down the road and onto the main secondary highway.
So I slowed down until I got to a turn off.....which happened to be right in front of my State Farm Agents Office....(should have set it outside there door and lit her up, I know, I know that is from the 60's only and I am certainly just kidding hum)
 I retrieved the huge heavy wet bag of poop and placed it IN the trunk where it stayed until I reached my first clients home where it found its way into their trash receptacle.  I only hoped it wouldn't get too hot before their trash day.  As for the crazy lady.  Jeez, you wudda thunk there was a million dollars in that bag riding high on the back of my Buick.
She could have caused a real serious accident.  Trying to drive closer to my car so I could hear her!  What a goose.  And now when I look back on the whole thing I laugh until I am in tears at that big bag of poop riding down the hiway at 45 mph on the back of the old Buick.  Reminds me of Christmas Vacation movie with Chevy Chase.  Who leaves a bag of poop on the back of their car and goes to work?  MWAH when the brain gets overloaded.
So until I find something funny, interesting, or not even useful.....be safe, be well, be happy, and get rich so its easier to keep your wits about you. Laters.
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