Sunday, March 10, 2013

Thundercoat....................by Diane Ogden

Spring is near, Thunderstorms are just around the next clouds corner which means dogs and cats everywhere will be scared.  It's like the 4th of July every storm to these poor babies....  That being said, someone somewhere invented a straight jacket with no arms for dogs and cats.  So what about me?  I am afraid of thunderstorms.  Well sort of anyway.  So is there a jacket for me that is soothing swaddling and can reduce my anxiety and my nervous panting (fast breathing when the sirens go off) that can cause or contribute to the deadly bloat?

Now I know why I look ten pounds heavier after a thunderstorm....  I am bloated from breathing wrong... WHO KNEW?  I think I am going to get me one of those thundercoats and wrap my self in it as tight as I can.  That must be what keeps the dog and or me from breathing wrong....breathing hardly at all.  Then no bloat, and no anxiety because the dog and or me is trying so hard to stay alive by barely breathing meaning who has time for anxiety. 

Dang those sirens from hell.  They are worse then the FIRE - FIRE - FIRE  HONK HONK HONK BLEEP BLEEP BLEEP fire drills.  Both can save lives, but omg they make my brain feel like scrambled eggs and what is scary is that you cant un-scramble eggs.  So I better get a straightjacket and cut the arms out or a big dog thundercoat and give her a go.  I used to live in the South where tornado's were very prevalent and I was told I was born during a terrible storm.  Maybe that's what is wrong with me. 

Actually I am lying.  A little bit anyway. I respect storms but I get terrified when the sirens go off.
I could buy one of those ah ha bras two sizes too small.  Cheaper than a thundercoat.  Or I could buy a girdle and cut the crotch and legs out and pull it up to my armpits but that would leave my back open and that's a no go as I would still feel vulnerable.... Forget it!  I am not that scared and have survived several decades of storms, tornado's, floods, lightning, children, three husbands, and one really nasty guy.  I can do it.  But if you have a dog that is frightened by all means purchase a thundershirt.  P.S.  I am terrified of water  and that is the truth.  If I even see a photo of a high bridge over water my bladder that has its own brain leaves me in an embarrassing situation.  I avoid all photos of such things.   I have a dream to visit a few places but I guess I need a bladdercoat and a thundercoat to get through it all.  Or how about I just take a dang XANAX!  Of course I knew that.
I was just kidding.   Wonder where the word "kidding" came from in reference to a joke.  I would rather think the word kidding mean a goat birthing a kid.  (I am sure you are aware that a baby goat is called a kid, well you are now) And what is funny about that?  Nothing! 

Obviously I need to be more aware of my surroundings because there must be something funny or more interesting nearby.   
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