Monday, November 19, 2012
Thinking................by Diane Ogden
So tonight I was struck. No not struck like hit, or by lightning... struck, you know by thinking. No not stinking thinking. Well maybe some. Just life thinking. hummp. I was walking into my kitchen and got struck by thinking :
Am I okay? idk
My hair seems very dry. Should I call and make an apt with the GP?
I think I am okay. But I do feel odd lately. Not as happy as usual. Not telling my usual jokes and making my usual funnies. Am I eating what I should? My hair turned curly. Is it Hirshimotos disease? idk. Where is my son Chris? I love him so much. I remember the day he was born. I wear his ring every day sending him love and calling him home. All Mothers should know where they baby boys are. Even if they are thirty something.
He has a girlfriend now.... I am happy for him. He should call home. My dream board hangs in the bedroom where I view it each evening before retiring and upon wakening. Will I ever retire besides the going to bed kind? Will I die before I retire? Tomorrow if I have time I would like some new clothes. Such a hassle. I used to know just which store to shop in. Guess time passed and suddenly that isn't my store anymore. Where do I go now?
I take a deep breath. Glad I can. But sometimes wishing I couldn't. Should I join Match.com? Or Harmony? Harmony ha. Whens the last time I didn't pretend life was harmonious? I could never play the harp. No I am not crazy or smoking anything weird. Harmonious just happened to remind me of Harps. Angels. But then they are not of earth. Or are they? My Dad died. I ask every few days where did he go? I think I know. Life gets old. I am getting old. But life is older than me or how I feel in my mind. Will I meet and fall in love once again? Sometimes, no all the time I THINK I might just have met my quota on the love thing. Do you think God or the Universe has a quota for each of us? Hell look at Elizabeth Taylor. That would mean I have five more chances at this happy man thing. idk. That means I don't know. Will I have a porch filled with pretty wicker furniture ? Will I get the mini'-lift (face)I want? Or will that cash go for the new vehicle? Dumb ass question huh? Wouldn't I look snazzy (notsomuch!) driving around all face pulled up pretty, in a rust bucket? Balance. I say. Do really think about what that means. Facelift vs decent vehicle or rust bucket. That would be life. I wonder how long my lil dog will live. Or my cat. They are my roomies you know. What will I do when they go? What will they do if I go first? My dog wont eat. Shit. Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes life doesn't. Will that Owl that spoke to me really take/fly me home someday? I could feel/sense/see myself soaring with him on the last journey home. He looked into my eyes and told me he would take me home. I hope so. He is he only owl that has ever spoke to me in my life. Sometimes I look for signs. Sometimes I don't. Every night I pray/decide on good sleep. I try not to clench my teeth. I try not to be angry. At what? At myself silly. Sometimes I say...."Forgive me Diane. Forgive me for not doing better for you, and your children." ha. That isn't funny. I meant to do better. Its good to forgive yourself for the errors that caused so many earthquakes in your soul and life. That's what The Secret says....Its your fault for wherever you are in this life. Soooo.....
Wait. The Secret forgot to mention those of us who have evolved past our errors, yet must live in the bed we made. And so I am. Trying to smile all the way through the shit. Have you ever stunk up the "rest" room. Dr. Oz says that's life and poop is part of life. I remember being seven years old and using the outhouse at Grandma Tillie's farm over by the Arboretum.... They milked cows for the Bowman Dairy here in Madison. I could read then, and on the wall of the outhouse (God that thing was scary, the outhouse that is) was written..."Some come here to sit and think, but I come here to shit and stink." Awful huh? Yeah I agree. But it stuck in my head all these decades. As did the sound of the early morning crows. Whenever I hear the crows I think of Grandma's green shades over the old windows and her making eggs for me. Oh and the writing on the wall deal of shitting and such gross talk? I wonder who wrote that? Certainly not any college educated evolved human being I can recall. I didn't come from that stock. I came from immigrants who farmed the land. Some became wealthy, some became not so much and some were and are rednecks.
Some got educated. Some married into educated. Some married into money. Me..... read between the lines. They say you marry what you need to repair . That is why you are here born to this earth. Well I married my Father, My Grandfather, and then my Mother. Did it help? I sure hope so as I would hate/ no I would refuse to return to do-overs!! Refuse I say. I don't ever wish to do this life again. That said, I do make sure I wear clean underwear every day in case a bus kills my ass. And I have been trying to make sure my abode is fairly cleaned out of any hoarding such as memory clothes from better times...like the 80's. Am I kidding? Maybe. I have a box of memories that outgrew my jewelry box ready for the children's viewing. Rings my son made me in high school. My school report cards. Letters from my children, good and bad. The card placed on their plastic tote in hospital when they were born. My daughters first baby hairbrush and shoes. All my old credit cards. The key to my favorite car. Coins worth $. Photos of the love of my life long gone. That would not be one of the three \ of eight Elizabeth husbands. I hope not to live my life out in a nurse home. (Dying mill) Maybe I shouldn't pray before I merge onto the highway every day.... maybe that would be easier then any dying mill I have visited.
I look like my aunt Berdie. That doesn't mean I will be like her right? Right! Am I happy? Ya. Happy is a state of mind. I am happy. Just thinking too much sometimes. Doesn't everyone? Or is this just me? I watch movies. I take myself away from my thinking to movies. They save me. From me? Maybe so. Am I normal? Idk. That is I don't know. I think so. Probably just low on Vitamin D. The laughing vitamin I call it. I watch Dr. Oz. sometimes. I cant take all that stuff he recommends. I think I need it but its over the top. I tried to make notes. Forget it. I will go back to meditating .
I hope I don't lose my teeth in this life. I like my teeth. They are attached to me. People aren't. They come and go.
I have never had a new eating table. Tomorrow I am going to go buy a brand new eating (dining) table and chairs. And then maybe a new sofa or not. I need a new used car first. Whatever comes I will do.
I am merely sharing what my mind is thinking for a small moment in time. Some good, some weary. But in the end ALSWELL like my license plate has said to all since 1990 something. And its true. ALSWELL. And I'm good. There is more good to come. I just know it. Time to stop thinking and rest. This was good.