Sunday, May 6, 2012

Lunch With the "Funny Farmers"......by Diane Ogden

Yup, I gave in today.  Had lunch with the parents who I call mummy dearest and the farmer.  These people live on a property I call the funny farm.  Why?  W e e l l...cause real odd things can happen there.  No not spooky weird but maybe a little mental give or take a few missing cells.  They don't have Internet yet so I am safe until such time as they do and then I will run for the delete button.  We get to the little diner and take forever to figure out what we want because in between the menu pages mummy dearest notices there are two large posters missing from the opposite wall.  Back to the menu, then back to the missing posters of Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.  She said Dad doesn't like James Dean anyway like anyone cared especially the little waitress she is telling this to.  Waitress leaves, Poster Talk continues off and on the entire meal and onto the walk thru the restaurant and out the back door.  Get to that in a minute.  We order Reuben's that were wonderful but came very salty.  I suspect the chef salted the corned beef if you can imagine that.  I ate it and my legs look like tree stumps tonight thank you.  Mother asked several times into the air, that she wondered why they would take those posters down.  And where would they have put them. Oh yeah, gettin good now huh?  I told her they put up their own restaurant logo sign is why.  She took another bite and muffled how nice they looked up there and they should still be there. Where did they go? Meantime the farmer and I are exchanging eye verbiage called rolling of the eyes and to the left upward pupils and crooked little grins but never saying a word because we both know the consequences of stopping mummy in the middle of her amateur theatrics on any single subject.  She was on a roll and we let her roll for we do know better than not to.  Where was Marilyn and James?  I wanted to say DEAD that's where. Now could you please let them be dead in whatever closet or whoever they got sold or given to.  But that was only a mental dream I was experiencing while begging God to make her stop.  It gets worse.  We finish and pay and start the walk thru the restaurant to the back door.  All the waitresses are sitting at a table close to the back door counting their days tips.  Little stacks of money all over the table.  Mother says, and I just knew it was coming, "Say, do you girls know where the big pictures of Marilyn Monroe and who was that again Diane?"  I said, "James Dean Mother."  She continues, "Oh yes, I remember now, James Dean, your father doesn't like him anyway."  (I so wanted to say, Yup and he's effing dead mother so the chatter doesn't matter!!)The girls just stared at her saying they don't recall any pictures like that, except the ones over the rest room doors.  Mother said, "No they were really big and hung over there.'  The girls asked how long ago that was.   Mother said, " Oh several years ago I guess."   Me, I could have been embarrassed but decided not to be as I didn't talk for 45 minutes on the whereabouts of two posters missing within the last two years.  Why? Why Why?   What would that be called?  OCD, ADD, ADHD?  Least she isn't washing her hands over and over...she is talking about one subject over and over.  She finally quit when we got outside the door.  Amen.  I am giggling at this little episode because that is the typical funny farm "out to lunch" conversation.  So until I have any more silly, funny, happy, or unusual topics, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich so you can take long vacations away from your funny families.  It makes it all so much easier.  And I pray it isn't hereditary.
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