Saturday, April 28, 2012

Lorna Doones......by Diane Ogden


So I have loved Lorna Doone's since I was like three!  Or sooner!  For several years I gave up on the little darlin's because I thought they had lactose in them and obviously I am lactose intolerant.  Not long ago I discovered I could once again enjoy the fat ass little shortbread squares called Lorna Doones.  I take six of them to work every day.  I work hard so I can.  I even married  a guy with the nick name "Dooner."  See told ya!  Dooner and I didn't work out so maybe that should have told me I should have stayed away from the Doones shortbread, and married the oreo dude.  Two weeks ago I purchased a box of the lil darlin's for $2.79 at the same grocery store as usual.  This week I went and at the checkout noticed I was just about to pay $4.49 for that same box of two packages inside the box of Lorna Donner's.  I said to the FOREIGN girl checking me out and taking my jobs and the life I have always known in America, AWAY (shortly, as I type). I said to said person, "WHAT, $4.49 for the Lorna Doones?  S H U T U P, No seriously Jane from India or Pakistan, or Turkey.....  $4.49?"   I asked her if her name was "Jane."   It's a commercial about people from India answering all our phone calls, nevermind.  So she double checked the price and said, "Yup, $4.49." I about did what I did when I had the flu last week.  But that wouldn't be so Lorna Lovely therefore I will be giving up the Doones like I did the first husband Dooner.  $4.49 x 4.3 per monthly = $19.31 cents a month for shortbread.  Nope, Nadda, No more!  Now if they raise the price of  a Margarita, I will pay it!  But Nabisco, your out, you went tooooo far.  It's not gas you know.  And if I had a place to store a horse and feed it, or if I weren't too darn old to ride a bike I would give up gas too. 
The Happy News for today is that in one week when the last box of Lorna Doones is consumed, I will lose weight.  Cool.  Until then, Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and by whatevermethodslegal, Get Rich...and Loose the Doone's they shouldn't cost that much.  It just ain't normal.  It's a tad of flour, fake butter, sugar, baking soda.  All cheap, especially when you hire foreign people to work the cookie line.  I am not
 prejudice, just pissed.  Photo is Twin Grands and mwah!  They don't do the doones, that is why all the smiles.  They do Nutello!  That no good for nothin chocolate spread with two nuts in them to make them appear better for you and the Grands.  Nite
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