Saturday, April 7, 2012

Garlic................by Diane Ogden

How can one little piece of something called GARLIC smell so bad like ass.  I hope my mother doesn't read this.  Or my kids.  Or my clients.  But hey... garlic after eaten, mixed with saliva or whatever body fluids it uses to digest, smells awful.
And the person that eats it, said person cant smell it!  I mean who cant smell ass if it's in the room?  You know unclean ass anyway.  Oh I shouldn't speak this way.  Why not?  It's the truth and we are not on censored TV.  Fact is I heard on Dr. Oz the other day that garlic is a natural antibiotic.  I am here to tell you I won't be sick for many a long time then.  My dog actually likes it.  But then my dog likes dirty under ware too.  I told you what Garlic smells like! On the other hand the two cats notsomuch.  They are staying far away from me and my breathing air in and out thingy. 
I can hear people screaming as they run away from the smell when I take the dog out to podie.  Good things sometimes come in small smelly packages called GARLIC!  What else in this world do we eat that makes us smell so bad and comes out our pours and breath like garlic?  I wonder if I drank some baking soda if it would take it away. Or some lemon juice?  Or just go to bed and only eat it when I am alone and the dog has already gone out for her last poddie run.  I think so.  There are always garlic pills but you cant spread those on your pork chop or burger.  I know I know, red meat issues.  But wont the garlic kill all those issues? Probably.  And do not go to a movie and sit anywhere after eating garlic because it happened to me once.  The man behind me must have eaten an entire clove because I almost threw up it was soooo bad.  Like I said, eat it only when  alone and home!  If married, both eat it at the same time. It really does smell like ass. But then so do onions, beans and booze afterward.  What!   I can't fix it!  I live alone so I don't really care.  Just sayin'!  What's the Happy News? The darn stuff keeps you healthy but stinky.  So does poop.  Dr. Oz says Pooping is life. Same as get born, have to die.  Eat food to live, then poop and stink.  It's all good.  It's life.  I remember when I was about 6 or 7 years old.  We would go to my Grandma's and Grandpa's over by the Arboretum....  They had no indoor rest room (I am trying to class up here toward the end :))
No rest room.....an outdoor toilet. While sitting on the hole (eeww I actually remember it vividly) I noticed a writing on the wall.  Written was:  "Some people come here to sit and think, others come here to shit and stink!"   Seriously, I swear, that is what I read as a 6-7 year old and have remembered it for five decades more along with the fact I had to use a Sears catalog page to wipe my garlic ass.   I didn't eat garlic then!  I shouldn't say ass.  I should say or type ars.  That is nicer. I will be nicer tomorrow. I had to type what came to my head tonight.  God forgive me as tomorrow is Easter and he rose from the dead and sitteth upon the right hand of God.  Thank God he did or I wouldn't be forgiven!  We can all rise above the "crap" on earth. The garlics of life.  Bless you all....and Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and by God get rich!  Never get even, get rich!
photo from:  www.thestuckcreative.wordpress.com  And I do not know that guy!  
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