Sunday, August 28, 2011

SURVIVAL.......I must be one of the fittest! by Diane Ogden

In the past three days I have survived the "good cops, bad cops" deal with my employee and her boyfriend, an email from an unhappy client because said employee forgot to do most everything while thinking about her boyfriend whilst I am dealing with bad cop because bad boy boyfriend called my cell phone 42 times in a little over one hour, texted it, left messages of himself banging either his head (I hope) or her cell phone on something.  Class huh?
I survived setting up a website for someone having never done so before. Calling tech support at midnight yet never have figured out how to set up the widget so someone can subscribe. Rather important piece missing there. And probably the easiest to doo.
I survived my printer dying.  Especially because I just purchased $65.00 worth of unused ink. 
I survived my first pedicure and I am a few plus decades past when I should have had one.
I survived eating at some low rent Shit-zue Japanese food hut at the mall where it tasted like they poured sugar on the meat, rice, and veges. I nearly gagged eating the few bites I did, while watching Justin Beamer on the over sized screen above my little eating table.  My dog wouldn't even eat it.  I made a comment about it while paying $7 (wow deal) at Penney's for a pair of stretch, (I love stretch) work out pants.  She said, "Oh don't eat there, a lot of people have gotten sick."  At that point my brain is telling my stomach that a lot of people have gotten sick from the chit-hut I just ate at!!  What do you call that again?  Oh yeah, stinkin' thinkin'.  Or sickness by association of thoughts.  I forget the correct descriptive word. I survived it tho.
I have yet to survive my 86 year old Dad's surgery tomorrow morning.  I pray he lives because if he doesn't I am next in line for the wrath of "mother!"  I will only survive that because I will move far far away to the woods somewhere.
I also have to survive today's trip to the "funny farm" to visit Dad with the Grands(children) that is.  We will only stay two hours because that is all "mother" wants anyone (me) to stay.  Fine with me!'
I thought about what to say to Dad before he is wheeled away to surgery or heaven (oh God!). And I prayed on my bloody knees he wouldn't ask me to take care of "mother" if he passes on to heaven.  Because if he does I have a coughing plan in order to last as long as it takes until they wheel him away. No death bed promises coming out of my mouth thank you.  Not taking care of "mother!"  Think what you want, she's tough on me and always has been.  I have paid my dues to the world so guilt is not a button on my chest any longer!
I was going to stop and buy some fancy food to take to the funny farm today but we were told to come after lunch so why would I?  So my brother who has more money than God can eat it?  Not gonna happen!  I should have thought to take him some of the "Shit-zue Japanese Hut food."  LMAO (that means laughing my ars (that means ass) off in case I am the only one that didn't know that)
I also survived my little gremlin monster dog of 6 lbs. poo-ing in the apartment sun room and me stepping in it and tracking it allll about the room.  I smelled it but thought some large dog had deposited out side the window I was putting a fan into. Nope, Nadda, it was all over my shoe and seven other nice mushed spots on the light colored carpet.  So I left it until it dried the next day and vacuumed it right up easy. Don't worry I shut the door.  Think what you want, but any other technique smears it all in deeper down to the core of the backing and into the padding.  See?  I know what I am doing. Obviously I have been there before.  And for the record I do pick up the chucks before I shut the door.
I bought myself a honkin pair of feather earrings at J.C.Penney's. See photo of me trying to be cute. Truth is the other two pics were stupid so I chose trying to be cute. They hang down to my collar bone. I love them unless I am outside and the wind makes them tickle my skin.  Sometimes I forget I bought them and start swatting myself thinking they are bees!! How dumb is that? Picture that 8 x 10 glossy of me swatting my own neck and face outside for the world or at least a few in it to see that mess.  When I realize its just my honkin' new feathers I quickly stop and gain my composure and look around to see who saw. Like when you fall down in church and hope no one saw it.
I survived it.
 All that was only two days of my wonderful life!  And the funny farm is next on the schedule.....dear God (he knows the rest of that prayer because it's said before every funny farm visit )
And by the way Barb M.....it's all TRUE! 
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