Saturday, August 6, 2011

Esther Says She is Going to Kill Hester! by Diane Ogden

Esther called me this morning while I was driving to a client, so I tapped the speaker button on my fancy phone!  Boy am I sorry I did that.  Esther was foaming at the brain because Hester borrowed her Buick again and was not back in time for Esther's appointments.  Hester has a nice new used Jaguar she parked in Esther and the Colonel's gay-rage because she is sure it is bugged just like everything she owns is bugged including her toilet paper roll as well as the outlets in her apt.  Actually I think she prefers to use Esther's gas vs her own cash flow gas considering she has been evicted from her cohabitation existence due to her excessive calls and talks to the several tenants in the complex.  She believes at least 35 of them have infiltrated the property mainly so they can stalk her, for the real stalker who met her a couple times three years ago and never dated her.  Poor sucker happened to be a delivery man to the complex she lives and stalks/works at who has no interest is Hester Bester.  Back to my point!  Esther finally gets her Buick back from Hester who pulls in an hour and forty five minutes late to Esther's driveway.  Esther motions with her shaking hands (do recall she has some sort of tremor condition called Hester tremors)for Hester to "GET THE FLOCK OUT OF MY CAR!"  Hester merely moves over to the passenger seat. Esther says, NO NO , get out bad girl who is late bringing my Buick home!  Hester says in her narcisstic voice, "How dare you speak to me in that tone in front of all those foreigner roofers working up there! (Like they can speak English anyway duh)  Esther pointed her finger at Hester and said, "Get out!"  Of which Hester did.  That is when my phone rang.  And then it rang again after the car man told Esther that she needed to hustle on over to the car wash and get all the clay off her Buick.  CLAY?  What?  Where does a person drive where there is clay in Wisconsin.  I think Hester drove to Arizona cause Esther said the gas she put in was GONE. 
Now Esther is blaming herself for how Hester has turned out crazy looney.  I said, "No No, it is all because of the auntie handing down the crazies. You remember Esther? The crazy auntie Alice you found sitting on the floor eating cat food. BINGO, DINGO!  You got yourself a generational nother one.  Esther told me she's had it.  No more blaming herself for Hester's narcissism and mental coo-coo-ville-ness, the correct term being psychcotic meaning serious.... hello.
Back to my point. Esther is on my fancy phone on speaker telling me she is going to Kill Hesther and saying the fluch word several times over.  I told her no no, only because I just got my bail bond money back from the Pottawatomie County for bailing the G-daughter out of jail.  No cash left for gettin' Esther out for murder in the planning degree.  I said calm her down Esther and just then Harry starts to barking and speaking in tongues of which Esther understands.  Harry needed to go out of the doors of the inside for poddie time.  So Esther and I talk for as long as the cordless can handle the distance....Esther says, This is a revolting development Di, and if I Die, the keys to the buick are in the back of the linen closet in the bag of depends!"  I said, "OMG Esther, do you use Depends?"  She said the fluck word to me and then all I heard was static.  Hum, Harry and her must of got out of range.....  "Home Home on the range, where the dogs and the Hesters do play...and maybe pay... The End 
The Happy News for today is that Esther won't kill Hester.  It's all talk.

photo from: http://erkerk.tunblr.com/
crazy nell photo from: http://cinemademerde.com/Alice_Sweet_Alice
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