Wednesday, July 13, 2011

It's All Started at 2:45 p.m. by Diane Ogden

You all know all about the yearly Pepsi, I mean Papsy exam!  My regular doctor is as tall as the tops of my knees in those stirrups.  And I don't mean the kind you use when riding a horse.  My regular doctor is so short he doesn't need a stool to complete the exam.  He is also as wide as he is tall among other irregularities and I don't mean mine.  So I chose to go back to the office of the doctors who delivered a couple of my brood of children.  They OBGYNer's.  Sounds like a the cheering section for some coal miners.  A N Y W A Y as Ellen DG says....Ms. P.A. was very thorough, meaning we talked a long time. She asked if I had any STD's, you know Sexually transmitted diseases.  I said, "Only if you can get it from the cat or dog licking your leg."  She said, "Oh no I mean in the past?"  I said, "Who cares about the past, they'd be gone by now anyway lady!"   I was starting to wonder if the short fat guy wouldn't have been easier. Then I find out she is a P.A. not a doctor who has been out of the country for a year in Canada, decided to come back and is having to re learn the entire computer system. Don't you just wonder what happened in Canada?  She left the room with a little cotton swab, came back and told me I had a little infection.  Sweet. I asked what the plan was and she told me I could go either way.  I said, "Huh?"   She meant I could get medication and swallow it or use it on the other end.  I chose. You don't need to know.  She made me so nervous because she was so nervous. Then came the slammer. She said it was time for the "SLAMMOGRAM."  We walked out to the desk to set up the appointment which I stated had to be late in the day.  Then quietly I mumbled, "Sure I get there at the end of the day when the technician is sick of being there and feels mean!"  One lady in the back started laughing really hard but no one else did.  Hey, its the truth. If that technician is pee weed off at her hubbs or boyfriend your mammories are going to get an extra smush just for him!
  Then I leave. Get to Hell's Gates (WalMart where they have the $4 pharmacy plan) They tell me my insurance doesn't cover the fix all for my doo da day! $40 please but go shop for 30 minutes then it be ready. I came back with only one pair of Rider jeans one size larger than last years. Wonderful!  The pic up pharmacist read me the rules. Here's what he said, "SIDE EFFECTS: Dizziness, headache, nausea, diarrhea, unusual taste in the mouth, stomach cramps, or vaginal itching/burning/discharge may occur, fainting, painful urination, tingling or numbness of the hands and feet, seizures, signs of another infection, fever, persistent sore throat), mental/mood changes, (I need more of that yah!) depression), rash, itching/swelling (especially of the face/tongue/throat), severe dizziness, trouble breathing. This is not a complete list of possible side effects.  Soo I looked at Mr. Pic Up Pharmacist and said, "No Thank You!" I'll find another way hey! 
I walked out of Hell's Gates Wal Mart with my Rider Jeans and a new mascara knowing I will live, without the above!  Probably had powdered asphalt from China in it anyway.  
Miss P.A. wants to give me estrogen creme for the other end!  I told her if there was any way it would reach my FACE, then YOU BETCHA give me that prescrip NOW!  Otherwise, nah...
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