Tuesday, June 28, 2011

The Slut......by Diane Ogden

OK so I was at some one's home today, talking with my client, a young woman with two children getting them ready to go to the park.....

I had those darn pesky birds on my mind because I had just spoken to the office manager regarding losing them from my porch. You see, everyone else has flowers and I have poop.  Bird Poop! To quote my neighbor, the nickname of my porch is "Shit Island!"  How disgusting.  I prefer flowers but I was giving the little furry feathered family time to grow and fly away...  they did and then the little slut layed more eggs before I even barely noticed and here we go again.  I cant go outside on my porch and read, think, have coffee, plant flowers etc.  My dog and I get attacked, and my cats drive the birds crazy! They wake me up at four-ish a.m. too.  I did some research on the swallows and discovered they mate forever. Heck they are better at mating then humans!  And here I am going to kill their family and cause stress and emotional distress among their life path. omg.  But come on...they moved into my territory like squatters with no rights. I tried!  Then I got pissed.  Let me add that the maintenance man was kind after my final decision. Or maybe because I told him an old legend says if you kill a barn swallow a child family member will die. NOT! My Dad, who is 86 did tell me tonight that if you allow the swallows to nest you will never have a house or barn fire.  Oh great, now that thought will consume me brain waves forever.  Back to the maintenance man......He moved the nest to the closest tree.  He then waited two hours before he stapled screen onto the rafters which gave no opening for any more swallows or any sort of bird or bee to bother me in my tiny little earth space.  The birds have since left the building...my part of it anyway.
The Good News is:   The birds stayed so darn long that all flowers are on sale now!  And...no birds died in the making of this mini documentary blog about my porch.  Wait, back to my initial point of which I do veer from on occasion and this being one of those.   My clients young boy was standing out of my site when I informed my client that "The Slut" was about to be moved to a tree!  OMG, I used the word slut in front of a 6-7 year old. Yes I apologized....but later in the day I had these visions of this sweet child seeing a bird on his Grandpa's porch and saying, "Look Grandpa, there's a slut!"  That is of course after he asked his Mother, "Mom, what is a slut?"   And she responded with, "Oh that is a bird making a nest on Diane's porch."  (Well how could she tell him anything otherwise duh!)

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