Sunday, January 23, 2011

The Endless Memories by Diane Ogden

This is one of those days. You know, one of those days where you accidentally watch a movie that brings back undeniable memories you have denied.  Or memories you have stashed in a file marked with a red not ever open for what would be the good of it?  Those ones.  The sort of day when you remember Berdie... the Godmother who never really was one, yet you loved her and tended her dearly when she was placed in a nursing home (dying mill) two blocks from your home!  She cried and you loved and bought her things and visited her daily for months.  She wanted to move closer to her GRAND daughters who rarely visited her in those crying days because it was 35 miles away.  God forbid should they have all lived in Houston or Los Angeles.  She cooked for them, babysat, did craft shows, painted their homes, loved them, made them cookies all the time, and one of them she mostly raised.  Yet she wanted them...and so they moved her closer to them.  I miss her, but I don't go see her because she dissed on me.  Berdie is a gossip and will go to heaven being one.  But I prefer not to be gossiped about.  Or dissed on.  And if I am I say goodbye to those that do...even if that be a God mother who never said a word to me in my life about God.  Who couldn't hug or say thank you.  Why?  Never taught to?  Come on!!  One learns throughout life about those things.  Maybe someone told her I was a less than good person. Humm. ya think?  She fell out of bed at the new place.  Cant feed herself now.  I cried for her tonight and I felt guilty for her inability to be kind to me.  I think that might be my problem. I would like to go see Berdie....but then, what for?  She never knew what a God Mother was...maybe I was supposed to be her God Mother.  I failed and so did she.  Unless I go see her and maybe feed her, a meal or some God stuff.  Dammit made me sad today and I didn't need it.  Or did I?  You are 97 years old and never got it on my account anyway.  Life is like a bank account... deposits and withdrawals.  What is Berdie?  Both!  Maybe its time I made a deposit in Berdies account and mine.
(That would be me on the left walking Berdie last year) 
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