Saturday, October 17, 2009

Microwave Masacre

When I refer to "my clients," I am referring to a small group of families of whom I nurture their homes. My children grew up, foster children moved away, ended my volunteering at Hospice Care, Auntie Berdie (96) moved to a new nurse home too far away to visit her daily, so I now nurture homes! Which can be quite satisfying, quite hilarious, quite nasty, and so on....just like children and elders. I have a helper name of Maria... she alone is hilarious! She is hard of hearing and my eyesight isn't what it used to be... She calls us the "deaf and dumb crew," of which I don't laugh... Maria has a dark side! (To say the least) I often think I should find a new helper, but then....I don't. Maria has nicknames for our clients. Granted Nicknames they deserve, but yet still....jeez...I am not one to put any negs on my clients. They pay my rent for crying out loud which is what happens when ya cant pay your rent. There is Goldfish lady, Candyman, ToyTrixie, (don't ask), PsychoLady, SpiderWoman, MoldyMom, and a few I cant mention... The clients Maria likes she has no knicknames for and will go into their homes before I arrive....otherwise she sits in her BIG CHEVY TAHOE with blackened windows and HUGE chrome rims (no they don't spin thank God) and waits for MaMa! We have a new client as of Friday... We call her MicrowaveMasacre which really doesn't need much explanation. You have to understand we see it all! We know who takes what medications, who washes their hands and who doesn't, whose electric toothbrushes have yellow and brown gunk all around their bases, who cleans between the two weeks before we return...and who doesn't!! We don't even have to take our shoes off at some homes for fear our feet will get dirtier than our shoes were to begin with. We have to touch things no one but family should! Gloves work well. I cant say we could be on the dirtiest cleaning jobs reality show, but we do our part for sure. Maria will come walking out of a bathroom holding "something" by its tip with her face all distorted mumbling cleshay's, (sp) (I got it, cliche' which was spelled so badly Google even missed it) all the way as she turns after giving MaMa the facial and otherwise drama!
I have to laugh at her! We unscrewed a faucet to soak it in vinegar and toothbrush it because we found orange and brown GUNK from months of "something!" Can you imagine? Maria says, "Ooohh, could I have a glass of water mmmmm?" And cobwebs that have taken over the house along with what lives in cobwebs. We are handed a little dirt devil to do this master job....that'll work don't cha know it? Seems now a days women have a baby and sit on their buns for months and do nothing but bounce a baby and feed it. I have professors, Doctors, and business owners, and lest I forget "analists, ) who clean before we arrive. I say its easier to clean a dirty house than a spotless anal one. Basically I am saying I have a very good group of clients that I don't understand. It cant be my age because Maria is half my age and she totally doesn't get it either. We have gays, and one lesbian family who wont let us touch or make their bed, or touch their dishes...humm. Our fav's is our gay guys...we have three Gay Clients and I would take twenty more. They are kind, (except one), loving, (don't get me wrong), respectful, courteous, and authentic! Only gripe we have it that there is enough hair laying around to make wigs. Wont tell you what Maria says about that! It's just hair, not what's in their hearts!
p.s. If any of my honorable, wonderful, respected clients even read this, rest assured I make all of it up! Y e s ..... I ..... d o! drawing by Wilfred Hathaway

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