Thursday, June 12, 2008

Is Death Selfish?

I decided to take my dog "Gracie Allen," for a walk this morning as I noticed the sky offering a foretelling of what was to come this day. I didn't need the weatherman, who is usually wrong anyway, to know what lay ahead. I had heard that later today would be more tornadic weather for our area, like we needed anymore. Gracie and I were walking along when I heard the sound of black sharp thunder. I never liked storms as my children can attest to, although I have gotten much better dealing with them as years pass. But today I went on a journey of my own passing when a searing bolt of hot bright harsh fire hit me with more force than the speed of the light it itself was. Done, over in a split second. We never really think about our own passing on. Death. Demise. The end of our life. We see it happen to others and we feel sorrowful for them, but we can never really have the true sensation ourselves. Some days we think we want out of this life. Some days we even ask for it, but we really don't mean it. We think we mean it......we don't. Today lightning struck my spirit while I was walking Gracie Allen. I didn't feel any pain and then suddenly I was somewhere else and I was "wondering" where. Floating is the only sensation I experienced at that point. Then from another place I could see Gracie Allen standing all alone on the sidewalk with her tail tucked under which she does when she is frightened. She is only five whole pounds and already lost one family in her life. I always take care of her and I was gone. I hope we don't cry when we die because I was feeling my own hot tears across my face. She didn't know what to do and no one was helping her and I couldn't get back. Then I saw my Son arriving from Los Angeles only to find I had experienced Death. I was gone. He was supposed to have a happy exciting weekend at a friends wedding, "A new beginning," but instead he was experiencing the worst sorrow and loss of his life. Then I saw my other son across the ocean doing motivational speaking and training only to discover he may now need help with that very thing himself ..... He wanted to buy me a house when he "made it" and he was on his way. Is death selfish? Then I saw my daughter all alone, no place to live and partially disabled. I couldn't get back. It wasn't like I was drowning and couldn't turn and swim against the death current. No, I was floating peacefully in a lazy atmospheric river with no fear for myself or what was ahead. That was the "feeling" I experienced more than not being in life anymore. Then there was my oldest son trapped in a prison cell far away, unable to see me one last time, never to receive the birthday cards I send him for seven days in a row because I celebrate his being born, or a letter, or my voice. Could he stand one more blow? And the Granddaughter I was to meet for the first time this summer, age 19. The Twins and their sister, still very young, and their father, my other son. My two Granddaughters that have done everything with me since they were born....they are 16 and 19 now. Who will give "Lucy" cat her one cool fresh shrimp a day? Is death selfish? They say there is more after the bolt of death. Like the dragonfly that spunks my faith when I see one. Why? Because they come from the depths of where they are borne and live, leaving their families behind to rise up out of the ponds into the brilliant white light of life. The ones they leave behind must "wonder" where they went when they "died" and rose from the depths. Do you suppose that is what will happen to us? I think so.

Dragonfly painting by Karen Margulis
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