Two Fireman and a Cop......by Diane Ogden

After a week or so I finally found something hilarious to write about.  Well, funny to me anyway and hoping I can portray it likewise.  So after a L O N G gruelling week at work after my helper quit mid week, and I hired ditzo amazon woman.... I found a good one but we hit it hard due to the four day week.  Poor woman!  Back to my point.  I am home, it be a Friday night, I am unwinding with a cocktail.  Where the hell did that word come from anyway?  Cock - tail!  Sure after several drinks several people get tail from cocks. Sorry....my bad huh?   Just sayin that is what I gather from such a word.

Okay I 'm back!  My phone rings.  It would be my Granddaughter.  She is huffing and puffing like anxiety huffs and puffs.  I say, "What's going on?"   She says in very fast talk like its special language of its own...fast talk that is....  "The EMS was here and I was running around the house cause blood was gushing out and Cody was home on break and had to go back to work or he would loose a point. " (A POINT??)  I waited for the story to come together which it finally did.  Seems she put something inside a long thin flower vase and was trying to root it out with a butter knife when the damn cheap thing from China's gates of hell broke.   At this point a piece of glass was stuck inside her body middle finger.  She pulled it out and blood came a gushing.  Point 2:  She begins running around the house and screams for her man-boy to HELP her.  He came with all good intentions checking it out....then said he thought it was fine and that he couldn't take her to hospital because he would lose ONE POINT...at the foundry job.  So she, being the good wife!!!  LOL  And caretaker, calls the EMT's.  Two hot fireman show up sirens blaring, neighbors checking it out, then a squad car with a hot cop arrives....meantime hot man-boy friend has left the scene for the foundry.  I must tell you I was laughing so hard I was in tears while listening to this saga of the cut finger folly dealy story.  So was my granddaughter by the way.  And so were the EMT's by the way.  Meantime her 18 month old son was in awh of the cool fellows visiting and his mom running about bleeding.  Didn't seem to upset him so much.  My Granddaughter was concerned what the neighbors might think and stated so. That is when the officer and the other gentlemen told her the neighbors were used to red flashing lites at this house in the past.  OMG....apparently the last renters were Jerry Springer losers.  Great, wonderful... I told her to make sure she goes out and discusses as well as laughs at herself regarding this eventful event being that she called the EMT's for a finger cut that didn't need stitches.  p.s.  Her man boy said he was glad to go back to work after the three day weekend....as he needed a break.  (Grand has anxiety issues. Ya think??)  Least we can laugh about and at it.  I told her, "How else can ya get three hot guys at your home giving you all sort of attention while your own man-boy trucks off to work so he doesn't lose ONE point!  I say it was all worth it.  She got some much needed attention and I got a new blog post.  p.p.s.  I told her to super glue the cut shut.  Soooo Be Happy, Be Well, and Be Safe.....and get rich so you can hire people to get stuck items out of cheap flower vases from China hell. 

Amazon Woman .............by Diane Ogden

This is me after a day with Amazon Woman!  I hired a woman sort of by phone and then met her in person.  Dumb!  No actually DESPERATE which if you scramble the word Desperate it means Separate and that is exactly what happened by the end of this unbelievable day from hell-o amazon woman.  She wore her orthopedic shoes and I am not kidding, you know the walker type beige ones.  Yup.  She rode with me (never ever again!) and disliked the air conditioning due to her physical condition where she gets cold due to thyroid.  Don't open the windows cause her allergies cause her contacts to mess up.  Shit she cant see anyway I discovered.  Later on that one.  She told me how to drive, told me she had experience .... (MyBad I didn't check references due to DESPERATION which means separation thank God I learned this today and only today.   The woman kept saying, "We're done now!"  I smiled for a while then said, "We're done when I say we're done." She asked if every room had to be vacuumed. OMG, no lets just do one dummie.

She left dirt everywhere on floors, large pieces of catfood on the kitchen floor, hairs all over bathroom sinks. She said that was my fault for turning the fan on . That would be the fan on the bathroom ceiling ya think that stirred up all that pubic hair I found in the sink huh?  DUMBASS!  I think she wiped the floor and then the sink.  There was green comet in the bottom of the tubs when she was finished.   I watched her spray the shower wall with Cleaner and wipe it off with a paper towel.  That's going to get two weeks of clients skin off the wall right?  I took her back to her car to drive to the second job where she immediately got out of her car to tell me I didn't turn my signal on soon enough "back there."  I said, "Listen lady, you need to find someone else to nit-pic cause this mess isn't going to work, I can see that very clearly!"  She told me I was too defensive.  I just laughed.  She finished vacuuming the sofa and I mentioned there was still hair all over it. Cat hair that is.  She told me it was the vacuum that blew it all back on there.  I just laughed and said sure. And repeated, "This isn't going to work!" Then I told her to check the corner by such and such as there was lint and dirt and pointed to it.  She tried to intimidate me saying she cant tell where it is by that pointing thing.  This woman was ghastly to work with for one hour much less five.  I was actually about in tears after the first job and was in tears after the second one.  Heck, I didn't pee wee all day cause I perspired horribly due to running around after her picking up hair and such. And I drank a liter of water, 14 ounces of decaf/coffee, and two diet cokes! I almost drank my clients wine. I was in my car driving to next client when first client called me and said, "Diane, this is the worse cleaning we have ever had, what's up?"  I explained in great duress with no diplomacy whatsoever considering  I was upset.  (They have been my clients for years.)  She said no problem go hire someone decent and get refs!  Then she said God doesn't give up more than we can handle.  I said, "No but that other satan guy does!"  She laughed.  Then I got a text from her saying her little boy, age 3 said to tell Diane its okay and they all love me.  WOW!  That made up for all of it.  Including the fact Amazon W said not to turn the bathroom fan on because feces are airborne.  I said, "Oh Hush!"  She said and did so many stupid things in 5 hours I cannot recall them all.  Bottom line is if you speak to someone on the phone and they have a nice voice and are educated.....it doesn't mean they are smart or have experience.  This was the face of a prize fighter with a lobotomy.  So back to Craig's List to find someone without a lobotomy and experience and I will be leaving desperation behind. I bet I sleep tonight!  p.s. I am a very easy going nice person but this person with several disorders, mental and physical turned me into a REAL BOSS who said, "Your Fired" as I tossed my hair back like Trump, got in the Buick and cried as I drove away to better days.  So until I find something interesting or funny, Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and by God or man..Get Rich so you don't have to deal with Amazon Women who lie about experience and think feces are airborne and cant see a foot in front of them! Shykies....

The Beginning and The End and The Beginning Again...by Diane Ogden

Okay....so you all know I have a little tiny business with wonderful clients I talk about on occasion.  Carefully of course.  Yesterday my helper QUIT!  Effing QUIT in the middle of the week after working for me a year and half at least.  (I didn't go look up how long)   I think and believe it was the effing year and a half.  Soooo, I went home yesterday and attempted to be calm which did not worksowell.  Then I had a drink or two and went to bed after I posted an ad on the infamous nasty Craig guy lister.  That didn't turn out so well as I awoke at 3 ish, and remained up until now:  8:45pm watching American Idol singers "Screaming" not singing...it be the finale so I guess screaming is acceptable there ....notsomuchheredoi!  Okay back to point.  I posted an ad on Crazy Craig's List where people get killed when they meet up... hey what the hell choice did I have?  I suppose a headhunter, but they charge my yearly wages before worker pay out, so Craig it were.  And by God I hired the first person that sent a reasonable ref.  Then I took to eating everything in sight for twelve hours or so.  I started at 4:30 a.m. with coffee and chili (no shit with beans) and just quit at 9:30 p.m.  I haven't stress eaten for years. Then I took the dog out more than once, thank god or someone .....then I started to drink.  That would be up to now meaning the present.  I WILL sleep or die and the WILL is in a drawer somewhere.....not under the under ware.  Nope that's where the money is honnie. Hopefully my head can outlive my heart this round cause its been a dandy.  So tomorrow is training.  I am so excited I could pretend I am as successful as that Lil 16 year old on American Idol who could WIN!!  Although Phillip Phillips will win.  Whichever.  Be Happy, Be Well, Be Safe, And get rich so you don't have to stress eat or drink and can relax the beans in the chili. Oh my god I hope those beans don't hit tomorrow during training!  I have Gax X on hand!!  Nite

Phillip Phillips Won....  He will be rich and can eat all the beans he wants now.  And the best part is Steven Tyler hugged him.  (I didnt like Steven's rock singing. He needs to slow her down some like Rod Stewey did.  LOL  nite

Plug and Play.... by Diane Ogden

Sooo, its the summer of 2012 and it porch contest time which means I cant stand it and have to spend $200 to win and make $50!~  Good business huh? Notsomuch!  But sure is fun sometimes, this one being it.  I spent several hours today learning how to fix a broken lamp cord, add a plug, find some black tape and hope like heck I put the wires under the plug screws clockwise !!   That was after I was all done and ready to plug her in.  And that was after I made two trips to Home Depot, the famous fixer upper on many TV shows I watch.  Ty Pennington's place to go is Home Depot!  So I went there cause Ty Pennington is my sons twin in life.  Sort of. 
The first trip to H.D., not the TV type the Depot type, the fat guy salesman tells me what I need and how to make it happen.  The light that needs cord repair to come on that is.  By the way I got it at a used furniture store for a song. You know, a song, meaning cheapola, $35.  Then I bought a flicker light to flicker in it after I learned how to cut the cord with a splicer dealie, then wrap the wires properly and then use a pliers to click it tight and then do similar with the new plug.  When I thought I had it right, I called my neighbor friend and explained the electrical situation and told her I was about to plug my masterpiece in and that I had life insurance with such and such company as well as were I hide my money which was a joke of course but added some drama to the circuit situation.  I plugged it in (that was after I googled how to, to double check the Home Depot fat guy's instructions, and omg it worked.  I am not being nasty, but the fat guy, he couldn't bend over to pic up something on the floor at the depot place, he had to get on one knee to do it. It was just unhealthy (nothing funny there huh?) 

Then I tried to wrap the wire cinchers with black tape that was seven years old making it STICKY.  So I went upstairs to another neighbor (MAN!!! Chit no one gave me a divorce handbook on how to fix a broken wire) and he wrapped it good!  Thank you very much man person, at which time I walked it back home, stood on the wicker porch chair, hung it up , plugged it in and whalla whalla!  Let there be light God said on the seventh day. (Okay so I am a bit ADD and finished it on the sixth day!) Does that mean I can rest tomorrow?  God I hope so....Until I find something else for you, Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and dad gummit get rich so you can but a new lamp and not waste several hours of your LIFE you could and should be doing other things. It did turn out darn nice I have to say.

It's dark now and the little flicker light is pretty cool and relaxing.

"I Don't Make Noise Anymore!" and "The Turd".......by Diane Ogden

I have an acquaintance / friend who is at the age where it's a possibility that we could lose one of both of our parents.  In fact that happened to her.  She lost her precious Mother, so her precious Father  moved in with them.  The them would be her and her husband.  Some time passed and I recalled the fact that her life had changed considering her Father now lives with them.  I asked her how it was going today and she said, "Fine."  (Oookay!)  I said, "Well how do you deal with Dad in the house and you all making noise."  She said, "I don't make noise anymore!"   That was this morning and I thought about that all day off and on.  I don't make noise anymore!  Oookkkaaayy....  Could that mean the kitty's broke, or his tommy's broke, or they just play quietly, or she just lost her mojo, or what??   I haven't had time to ask yet.  Like it's none of my business and like how does one ask such a question regarding such a noise issue?  Maybe they are just happy quiet folks anymore who simply read and read some more.  Watch Dancing With the Stars, go grocery shopping and don't make any noise that the Dad can hear.  Or maybe the Dad can't hear..  I don't know.

We are not too old to make noise.  I know people making noise when they're in their 80's.  I don't want to picture that, but I know of them.  In fact I don't want to picture anyone making noise.  Enough of that.  Part II:
Today I was at a clients home.  This home is hugemongous.  I was in the downstairs 5th bathroom  checking on things when things suddenly became the largest turd I have ever seen laying in the toilet.  I just stood there for a bit thinking what I should do with it.  You may be wondering what I mean by that.  Wweeellll, if I flushed it and it didn't go down to the bowels of hell where it belonged and it instead clogged the tiny down shoot that would mean it could end up on the floor and out into the carpeted area.  Then what and how would I explain that (and that) it might would appear that it was mine.  The owners of "it"  surely wouldn't claim "it" now would they?  So there we would be in a turd claiming match.  Actually when my helper came down and asked me what I was doing?  I said, "Come here, look at that.....that person should have signed there name to that one!"   That is when I trotted, (sorry) upstairs to find a plunger to either break "it" up or save the day by saving the floor and my job.  My god what has my life come to?  Breaking other peoples turds apart for a dollar.  OMdearG!  I thought of taking a picture of it knowing no one would believe me but that was too gross.  Soooo..... you just have to take my word for it.  Why would someone do that and not flush? And how could I make something like this up. 
So until I either find a bigger one, or my friend explains what her definition of noise is:  Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and Get Rich so if you cant make noise you can buy a big Hello Kitty Vibrator in case yours be broke. 
(Mybad today I know, but jeez it all really happened)

Daring the Devil..........by Diane Ogden

I joined "face book" over a year ago.  It has never caused me to lose any sleep until now.  No it wasn't bullying, or anything like that. 
I came home from work yesterday, took the dog out, turned the TV on, sat down at my laptop, checked my emails, checked the news, checked face book and what faced me square in the face was a photo of one of my children sitting on a ledge 2,300 feet above a river looking straight down!   At first I didn't 'get' it.  I viewed it and re-posted it on my page with a silly saying to go with it.  Then I got to thinking about it.  (Don't do that by the way! Sit on a tiny ledge with a 2,300 foot drop off to a river if that even matters) Why would a person, any person, and of course especially my child, a grown man-boy, do such a thing?  Does he not care if he should die?   Or does he live in a world of fantasy thinking?  Thinking nothing he is invincible.  He is 34 years old.  Do people age 34 still think they are invincible.  I know we all rarely believe we will ever have cancer or such. But a visible 2,300 foot drop is quite visible.
Race car drivers drive the track at amazingly high speeds yet they cannot see a crash or a burning car so they carry on.  But a visible 2,300 foot drop.  Guess he didn't or couldn't see a fall.  Humm.  Smart? or not.  Is that it?  It wont happen if you cant see it?  It wont happen if your don't believe it will?   My friend just passed away and he was positive he would be healed and not pass away/die!  But he did.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and could not go back to sleep.  Why?  Because my child sat on that tiny ledge "daring the devil" to kill him.  Or was he "going with the gods" to protect him?  My friend says the happiest people take the biggest chances....ya think?
Now I know where the term "I dare you" came from.....had to be satan.  And if you dare the devil he could win no matter what you believe.  Accidents happen, KARMA could show up, your guardian angel could be on break....therefore I suggest you don't dare the devil in such a manner.  P L E A S E! So until I find some happier news for you, Be SAFE, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get rich so you can afford a psychiatrist.

A New Three Wheeler For Me.........by Diane Ogden

I am not really, in reality, for sure, not a Harley Woman! But....I got to thinking which I shouldn't do most of the time because my imagination goes to unreasonable places.  Like today.  Wait, listen......
I am obviously bored.  It's Mother's Day and if I had my druthers I would go test drive some of these trikes.  I realize I cant handle a two wheeled vehicle due to the fact they weigh a ton.  But hey, a three wheeler that balances itself unless hit by a mac truck.  I could pack in this place where I live and leave with the wind blowing my hair unless I wear a helmet which I might not.  I would put my 6 lb. Chihuahua/Pom in a box behind me and head for Texas.  Or maybe just Edgerton at first.  (Edgerton being a tiny town twenty miles away)  I hate bugs and from what I have seen they don't make the windshield tall enough.  Not sure about the "reach" for the handlebars on the neck vertebra's either.  I would have to have a TV mounted to the side of the shield for my soap opera and HGTV and of course Junk Gypsies.  I wonder if I would have to fight those other Harley women!  I am so not a fighter. Tattoo? Maybe!  And I would like to make some pit stops in those sleazy to half sleazy bars as well as antique shops and flea markets.  Maybe I shall have to purchase one of those trailers.  What about storms?  I don't do storms.... What about bed bugs in motel/hotels?   Cant do roadside bedrolls like in the old days, too many weirdo's out there.  They'd be scared of me probably.  Old lady on a Harley Trike?  I would buy an RV but its like driving a train or bus.  I would hit everything in site.  I am thinking I need to go back to the mental drawing board and chill.  Go buy some plants for my porch and see about plan B.  I just don't like bugs in me face!  That's the only reason of course.  Maybe some orange streaks in my hair or possibly a normal vacation like normal people which I have not had since 1987!!  No chit seriously.  Had to raise the kids on my own which means work, work, work....  bring a guy home a couple times for play, get short term married to a drinker (wise huh), then more work, work, work.  Wha Wha, call the wha whambulance.  I am fine, cause my license plate says so.  ALSWELL! (I have paid Wisconsin Plate Renewal rates on ALSWELL from 2004 to 2012)












p.s. I bought mummie dearest a gorgeous Cow cookie jar with a hen sitting on its back for Mothers Day.  The store couldn't find the box so they put it in a cake box and when it got to the funny farm and mummie opened it, the head of the cow was broke in three pieces.  I shall try to talk the store into replacing it even tho I cant prove how it broke.  What's the happy news for today? I have decided not to buy a Harley Trike, for today anyway. Just know that I know I am Steven Tyler's twin sister from a previous life.  And if he saw me he would know it too! I have some amazing feathers for my hair.  Just cant do the black nails "yet."  Reality?  Notsomuch but it was a fun little trip without drugs.  I don't need drugs, I have a

mind from another world. So there ya go, Be Well, Be Safe, Be Happy, and By God get Rich so you can take a vacation every year.  You deserve it.

With Age Comes Equality.......by Diane Ogden

That title came from someone else.  Actually a High School face book friend. 
We were discussing High School and were recalling certain negative factors regarding such.  That being said.... We continued discussing onto class reunions.  Then Parents of High School acquaintances...... That is when face book came into the conversation.  Many of us have reunited with High School classmates on Face book. Heck some of us found our first love from grade school. Mwah being one.  How fun and silly.  Back to "With Age Comes Equality!"  Actually that's it.  "With age comes equality!"  How true is that. Wait, I am not so sure I feel equal or that some of them are equal to me.  Seriously.  Let's get on the get real wagon here.  Some of them are smarter than I am.  I am smarter than some of them.  Some are richer, some are poorer, some are more open, some are more closed.  Some are arsholes and some are saints.
"Ain't that the way the world turns?"  Some fatter, some thinner, some taller, some shorter, some own an RV and some don't.  Some watch birds, some are stock brokers.  Yet comes the day when "most"  of us reach a time when we respect the birdwatchers, the brokers, the retired from whatever, the dead, the saints, and the arsholes.  As long as the arsholes evolved that is.  I have certainly met at least one I deleted from good "old equality face book!"  Then there is politics.  Don't even go there. That is one place where Age does not equal equality. Therefore we wont go there!   Oops gotta go, the Mentalist is on...  Just know that the older you get the wiser you are and the more forgiving. If not "go away" you arshole cause you aren't here to offer one darn thing. Sorta kidding. Wait, I just realized what it is.  It's WRINKLES!  Yup, wrinkles seem to bring all classes of folk together.  Wrinkles are what help most evolve if they hadn't already.  You see, rich people, poor, mean people, fat or thin, no matter the profession, wrinkles speak louder than the brain waves.  Imagine that? Wrinkles are the answer.  For once they equal something good! So until next time, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich for your next class reunion or face lift so you can escape evolving.
photo from www.principlespage.com

A Visit From the Beyond.....by Diane Ogden

I was standing in my kitchen when simultaneously three things occurred.  My 6 lb. dog stood on her hind legs scratching at my leg which is always a sign she is frightened and means, please pick me up! The cat was making chirping sounds, and I could hear a faint yet vigorous flapping sound above my head.  I looked up and there was a frantic large beautiful brown and orange butterfly in my kitchen thinking the florescent light was its way to freedom.  I quickly shut of the light, closed all doors to other lights, closed the blinds and opened the apartment portable screen door from Carol Wright Gifts (you know that cheap catalog that comes in the mail with all sorts of weird gadgets).  It is very strange how Mr. Butte R Fly got in, in the first place.  I had the screen propped open at the bottom about 12 inches for the cats to come and go.  (It a flexible screen door)  Mr. Butte R Fly had to swoop down very very low to even get in. 
After closing all other light sources off,  he flew directly toward the light of the door but not without interruption.  Devil cat "LuLuBelle" was close on his tail!  He made it to the mini blinds and somehow got behind them with Devil cat in pursuit all the time I am thinking I will be purchasing a new 7 foot metal mini blind.  And I thought I might be finding the frail Lil carcass of Mr. Butte R Fly on the floor.  Devil cat gave up.  I slowly meandered toward what I figured would be a death scene but no death anywhere.  The pretty fellow made it back out into the light and life he was born into. 
I thought about what had just happened and wrote my mentor friend to tell her how strange it seemed to me.  I have never had a butterfly come into my home ever.  She emailed me back with one simple line....  "I bet it was George!"   I have to tell you I totally freaked out.  You see George was her husband and he passed away a few weeks ago.  He had a terrible cancer and when the pain got so bad God sent him a dream where he placed George in a peaceful cocoon.  George would tell his wife there was no pain in the cocoon. George would lay curled up dying in his God induced cocoon of peace for a couple weeks more before he got to go home to the light. 

Yup, that was George in my kitchen saying good bye and giving me a large dose of advice.  He told me thru Mr. Butte R. Fly that I need to get back out and live life.  That it may not be an easy road and there may be devil cats that try to chase me and kill me but I will be fine just like he was..... He showed me all I have to do it do it.   Walk it like he flew in and flew back out dodging trouble on his way.   Sometimes troubles abound in our lives and we need a sign.  I sure got a dandy one and I feel privileged God allowed George to make a giant dangerous pit stop to give me such an uplifting sign and message.  I must be important!  My friend told me she sure hoped devil cat didn't kill George because she suspects he has a few more pit stops before he's finished.
Believe this or not its the truth.  Last week my daughter saw Aunt Birdie at the window!   She died a bit back.   Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe and doggone-it Get Rich for whatever reason you chose.  Okay so the Berdie thing was a joke......  or was it?

Hilary Clinton Look Alike.........by Diane Ogden

So the lighting wasn't the best.  The glasses weren't quite right.  The cheeks weren't puffy enough, but my Hilary Clinton look alike makeover wasn't too bad and was spontaneously fun after watching her on national news tonight. 
Here's the deal.  I actually like her and believe her heart is in all she does.  I also see and hear that she is tired just like us normal not as rich or famous folks.  I also see she has reached an age where she doesn't care and has stated so on national TV, how she looks every day.  She said if she feels like pulling her hair back she will and so on.  See, I agree.  Not that its that attractive, but rather it works.
Sooo, guess what?  I posted this silly picture of my "Hilary Lookalike" on facebook.  Some may hiss, some may hack, some  may say hooey, some may honk if you like it, some may NOT, some might say HOT!  But I think it's funny so I did it.  Fun is funny. And if I don't lay off the food wagon I will really be able to post a lookalike.   Just glad I don't have to deal with China like she does. I only deal with China at Wal Mart, or as a friend of mine calls it, "Hells Gates!"  Bless her for all she has given for most of her life. Not China, Hilary! I am making fun of her while I make fun of myself.  After all, I am her and she is me because, we look alike JEEZ!  Not really, I just plastered my hair down and found an old pair of glasses and some RED lipstick HELLO mo jo.  Then I took a shower to get all the grease out so it puffed a little bit anyway.  Maybe I should write her and give her some shampooing advice.  Actually that is what probably prompted the TV comments.....as she stated.  So leave her alone. And I will too. And until I find something else happy or funny,  Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and Get Rich so you can get your hair shampooed on command and have a cook like OPRAH, well maybe not....so you can stay in shape while saving the world which we all have a part in.  Nite 

Lunch With the "Funny Farmers"......by Diane Ogden

Yup, I gave in today.  Had lunch with the parents who I call mummy dearest and the farmer.  These people live on a property I call the funny farm.  Why?  W e e l l...cause real odd things can happen there.  No not spooky weird but maybe a little mental give or take a few missing cells.  They don't have Internet yet so I am safe until such time as they do and then I will run for the delete button.  We get to the little diner and take forever to figure out what we want because in between the menu pages mummy dearest notices there are two large posters missing from the opposite wall.  Back to the menu, then back to the missing posters of Marilyn Monroe and James Dean.  She said Dad doesn't like James Dean anyway like anyone cared especially the little waitress she is telling this to.  Waitress leaves, Poster Talk continues off and on the entire meal and onto the walk thru the restaurant and out the back door.  Get to that in a minute.  We order Reuben's that were wonderful but came very salty.  I suspect the chef salted the corned beef if you can imagine that.  I ate it and my legs look like tree stumps tonight thank you.  Mother asked several times into the air, that she wondered why they would take those posters down.  And where would they have put them. Oh yeah, gettin good now huh?  I told her they put up their own restaurant logo sign is why.  She took another bite and muffled how nice they looked up there and they should still be there. Where did they go? Meantime the farmer and I are exchanging eye verbiage called rolling of the eyes and to the left upward pupils and crooked little grins but never saying a word because we both know the consequences of stopping mummy in the middle of her amateur theatrics on any single subject.  She was on a roll and we let her roll for we do know better than not to.  Where was Marilyn and James?  I wanted to say DEAD that's where. Now could you please let them be dead in whatever closet or whoever they got sold or given to.  But that was only a mental dream I was experiencing while begging God to make her stop.  It gets worse.  We finish and pay and start the walk thru the restaurant to the back door.  All the waitresses are sitting at a table close to the back door counting their days tips.  Little stacks of money all over the table.  Mother says, and I just knew it was coming, "Say, do you girls know where the big pictures of Marilyn Monroe and who was that again Diane?"  I said, "James Dean Mother."  She continues, "Oh yes, I remember now, James Dean, your father doesn't like him anyway."  (I so wanted to say, Yup and he's effing dead mother so the chatter doesn't matter!!)The girls just stared at her saying they don't recall any pictures like that, except the ones over the rest room doors.  Mother said, "No they were really big and hung over there.'  The girls asked how long ago that was.   Mother said, " Oh several years ago I guess."   Me, I could have been embarrassed but decided not to be as I didn't talk for 45 minutes on the whereabouts of two posters missing within the last two years.  Why? Why Why?   What would that be called?  OCD, ADD, ADHD?  Least she isn't washing her hands over and over...she is talking about one subject over and over.  She finally quit when we got outside the door.  Amen.  I am giggling at this little episode because that is the typical funny farm "out to lunch" conversation.  So until I have any more silly, funny, happy, or unusual topics, Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and Get Rich so you can take long vacations away from your funny families.  It makes it all so much easier.  And I pray it isn't hereditary.

"Fool Moon" People ....Tonite....by Diane Ogden

I left the house all the while forgetting today was a "Fool Moon" day and night.  "Fool Moon" nights bring  strange beings such as Wal Mart People will be sucked out from under all the Wal Mart rocks of America and beyond.  Close to zombievilleism. Stay home!  If not you will see things you never thought you were born to see.  I am not talking about people that show plumber butt when they bend over, nope, I am discussing the one that expose their entire butt. I am not talking about the average hick person, rather the 75 year old woman who does the terrible tans and baring her saggin abs at the grocery story. And I am not discussing the other odd folks with breasts and low baggies, rather the ones exposing their colostomy bags.  Oh yeah! You will say to yourself, oh my dear God what was that? Really, what was that??  Whatever that was it resembled road kill. That's the kind of night this is...Where are the crows, the buzzards??  Dinner awaits. Its safe only to stay at home and clean or watch TV until its over.  Until they all go back under their rocks.  As you can see from the photos I borrowed from the walmartpeople.com

 Soooo....until tomorrow Be Safe, Be Happy, Be Well, and stay home until this passes....

  Oh come on, one more for the road. This one from www.canutan.com

The Lil Rug.......by Diane Ogden

And this is the history of the HAIRPIECE!  I have had the thingy sitting on the keyboard for its photo shoot for twenty some years.  Of course I wash it, at least twice.  Why do I keep it?  Because it adds a tad bit of height to my crown.  No that is not a joke.. (The crown comes in the nurse home) I don't mean princess crown type duh.  I mean I wasn't born with a perfect shaped head. Sooo the little doo da day piece gives my head shape balance. Who cares? Mwah does.  I rec'd an email from my hairdresser asking me how the hairs was doin'?  That be because he colors it and it fades.  Turns out because I used some cheap shampoo which made the color fade....  So he GAVE me FREE some less fade color shampoo.  It did work 90% better.   In fact it faded just to the exact point that I could finally pull out my lil old piece and ponytail the rest. Whalla.....not that it took my look back twenty years of course.... only in the movies and airbrushing!  But it did make me feel better.  I think I need a wake up call.  It's over rover.   S H U T U P!  I am fine with my life changes.  Just wait til I take my lil old piece into my next hair appt.  He will freak out...or not.  I know he will.  Come on, a twenty year old hair piece!  Don't gasp I have some shirts with shoulder pads from the 80's.....their b a a a c c k k!  And they are stunning with their raggy look.  Okay, I  have nice dress ups too. I was looking at those two pics...humm I think my nose grew.
I tell you, until tomorrow, Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can have a face lift and extension's.....or ??  Whatever your heart desires.  And if your a guy man and you actually read this....dont laugh....you could need a hairpiece too one day. Mine is for shaping, yours would be for real.

One Hot Guy Passed Me By!.........by Diane Ogden

This may be a rerun but it happened today and it was so funny I laughed at myself!  I was leaving a clients home close to lunchtime heading for the next client when this hotjogger rounded the counter, (ha I wish I had him on a counter) I meant corner.  He was almost naked, unlike the one in the photo I stole from google images online from..........

April 2007 Archives

insidesocal.com

Back to the almost naked hot jogger.  He came around the corner, and I about dropped the greasy Frito I was stuffing into my mouth along with a large bite of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Pictuer that 8 x 10 black and white glossy of the stuffing face as I simultaneously drive past him in the old Buick with my hair skinned back in a ponytail.  Don't say tail at that moment!  I am of the age, the only way I'll ever "get/receive/have" a hot man body like that.......I'll have to pay big bucks for it!  Then I'd have to buy a full body SPANX suit and a pair of scissors.  Use your imagination, or not. 
I have not read 50 Shades of Grey/Gray, but I suspect she stole it from my mind.  Excuses, excuses.

It's okay, I'm over it, it only stayed in my brain a few minutes.  Anyway, I have four sons around that age and that just ain't normal so......  forget I said anything.  The Happy News is that it brought to my mind a few good old memories.  You know, back seats, under trees in a park, on a boat, kitchen table, bathroom counter, elevator, just kidding on the elevator one, in the pool, in a tent, a semi, (sorry I lost a bet once) top of the dryer, while doing dishes, in a motel, and once or a hundred times a thousand hundred, at home.  So the hot jogger "done" a good deed.  I still love the Ford Man, Mike Rowe!  If he came jogging around the corner I would offer him some Frito's!  Until the next tawdry tale Be Happy, Be Safe, Be Well, and get rich so you can buy a new SUV, get a face lift, butt lift, boob job, or just buy SPANX and some scissors.  Crude  huh?   Guess my mind just took off to places it hadn't visited for some time.  I'll get back to normal unless two hot half naked joggers pass me tomorrow.  Don't even go there! 

Ogdenheimers! by Diane Ogden

I do not know who Mr. Alt Heimers is but I don't like him much.  I don't think I have his namesake disease.  And I wish I knew "For Pete Sake" so he could help me get rid of the other namesake issues.  Okay okay I probably don't have the heimers thing but some days it seems like it. What did you say?  Which way do I turn?  Where did I put that? What's his number?  Left or right?  At least I remember there is a left or right!   Besides I keep asking God to take away the bad memories which I have decided to stop doing considering that is when I started forgetting things.  Surely the heimers isn't how he will take my bad memories right?  That is backasswards.  God is good, heimers is bad.  I got it now.  Boy whoever stole my movie The Secret better get their KARMA checked cause it's causing me problems which means they be due next due to their thieving my movie.  I have to have positive input daily. If not I could end up the little old happy lady in the nurse home (dying mill) with the stuffed animals all over and the Christmas lites around the curtain rods and don't forget my princess crown! I better run get that movie tomorrow.  No time to read so I have to do audio and visual.  Maybe I have the wisenheimers disease.   Seems I recall my dad calling me a weisenheimer when I was a kid. I looked it up: omg! Someone always making feeble wisecracks, who laughs at his/her own jokes and is generally deserving of severe and painful punishment. LOL I don't think daddydogood knew it meant that.  I hope not.

 It must be German, but then so mush Mr. Alt Heimers be.  He also called me dumbkopf (Webster says it's a good looking guy, with the brains of a potato!)and Shyster is derived from the German term scheisser, meaning literally “one who defecates!) Awwh gross! No wonder my confidence levels are sooo high and I have memories that need stifling.

The Happy News for today is that I am not a Shyster, nor am I a Dumbkopf, and I pray I don't have the Mr. Alt Heimers scheisser!  So until next time,  "Sichere Reise," Sichere Nun, and Sichere uberglucklich, and just in case......"Sich bereichern!"

My Little "Chit" Island......by Diane Ogden

Allow me to introduce you all to my little shitty dog Gracie Allen Ogden. 6 lbs.

 I found her at the humane society in late 2007.  Make note how many years ago this was.  Also make note she is a rescue dog who has turned me into a human being who now needs rescuing also.  I have taken her outside several times a day all these years.  I finally started using poddie pads for the in between times.  You see she will go outside and poddie and poo, yet if she has to go in the meantime she does.  Diarrhea is a real treat.  So I started gating her in my bedroom when I was at work eight hours a day more or less so at least it was contained and I spread poddie pads out.  Sometimes she uses them and other times she goes right next to them.  She cannot be crated as she screams with anxiety.  She cannot be put into a travel bag because she screams like a dying hyena.  And then so do I.  I hired a trainer.  That stopped the screaming when nail clipping.  Bottom line is I live on Shit Island.  Not poddie pad paradise. Nope, the other one. 

Sooo today I felt guilty.  I do guilt really well being raised at the funny farm. I pull it out when I need it and use it well.  I do try to remember God doesn't do guilt.  Well God doesn't live on Shit Island either.  Maybe that is the problem. I need to call on God. I will try that.  So back to my point.

  Today I felt guilty so I put up the two large pieces of plywood I found in the dumpster room (no one should throw good wood away) and I use it as a cheap gate to keep Gracie Allen Ogden from peeing and pooing in the sun room.  Look at the photo of Living Room:  In the living area I laid out a piece of long carpet, (DO CHECK OUT THE LONG LOG and SHORT LOG OF POOP next to the fake green plant) I also laid down a fan, pillows, and a baby gate thinking it would detour her sorry little pooping paradise.  And what do I come home to?  See that lil turd in photo way up top?That almost hit my laptop cord? And see the long nasty turds NEXT to the piece of extra carpeting put down so she would use that if in fact she did the deed as I previously stated.  See where guilt gets you?  I felt bad leaving her in that bedroom again.  Notnomore!  I don't take her to doggie day care because she doesn't like dogs.  She likes people and should be a greeter at a store somewhere.  But she adores me and I cannot give her away.  (What if I had a man that adored me yet pooed on the floor, guess that 's diff) I have threatened her verbally which seems to make her better for a while.  Until such time as I can figure out a different plan, I live on "Shit Island,"  a very nice luxury apartment.  Well it used to be.  It doesn't smell bad when I walk in.  But then they say you cant smell your own and she's mine for the long haul.  Can you imagine if I found a man friend with this mess going on?  OMG! Its awful what a person can get used to.  (Hey I clean it up!)  What's my Happy News of the day?  I didn't give up. 

So Be Well, Be Happy, Be Safe, and get rich so you can get new carpet if you need it.  Get it? 

I Lost My Lunch!...........by Diane Ogden

We had just left the house overlooking my lunchbox in photo below, when I saw a perfectly good wicker chair in the trash a few houses down.  One of my workers ran down to it, checked it out, and sat down in it making sure it was worthy of taking home.  As you can see it was.  No I do not have an SUV or a V-A-N or a Truck, I have a Buick.  Yup, a Buick my mother gave me.  FREE is good. Payments suck so I suck it up and drive the beast around.  Actually it is a decent car. It does not know I am a Lexus person and I wont be telling it for fear it will take a large dumpola on me.  Back to my point.  I should have video taped my two helpers trying to get that chair first in the back seat and next in the front seat.  We had all but given up when the mailman came passing by.  Bless his handlebar mustache and jolly face.  He looked over the situation and gave one line of advice that worked and whalla!  It was in.  But when I got it home what a joke that was pulling it out.  Sounds like a bad line from a bad movie.

I buckled up and away I went to the next client. And as I passed the mailman and we both did a thumbs up as he saw the beastly wicker chair in the front seat.  It wasn't ten minutes later when I was backtracking that same street after I discovered my peanut butter and low sugar jelly sandwich was GONE!  And there he was.  The jolly handlebar mustached postman was waving.  I stopped and inquired as to whether he saw the lime green lunchbox anywhere.  He affirmed he has seen something fly off the top of my Buick and he thinks it is laying on the tree line back yonder.  I thanked him once again, drove a block of two and there she was sitting all alone in the dirt.  I should find a man like that.  Two problems solved in less than an hour.  What a guy.  Only problem is he isn't here and I have to prime, duck tape, and paint that classy wicker piece.  Maybe I'll give it to mummie dearest for Mother's Day for the old homestead I was incarcerated at for about ten years of my teenage years, I call the funny farm.  I already got her a rooster with a chipped tail. Don't worry I'll fix it because she "be" a perfectionist.  No duck tape on the rooster and the stuff on the chair will be painted.  If she complains (its a given) I will re load it into the Buick and bring it back home.  Or not.
That's my Happy News for today.  I found some good garbage.  Be Safe, Be Well, Be Happy, and don't get even, get rich.